My giant media-conspiracy theory, part 1

In this year of the Great Recession, I've felt that the quality of newscasts and news reporting by the major players has taken a major turn for the worse. Sensationalist and celebrity-oriented bullshit is what passes as news on most major news Web sites and TV channels now. Like, for example, crooked-nosed Brian Williams reporting on Michael Jackson's funeral like it's Afghanistan. Which is why I think there's a conspiracy out there to report bad news. There's no other logical explanation. Somewhere in the Hamptons, there lives a gnome, whose one goal in life is to get tons of hits for his blog—and who is planting all this garbage in the press. He holds sway, because he was once a journalist, is independently wealthy and has made great media connections. (Hence, Brian Williams. I've been told he's the guy that made Williams' nose crooked.) Here's a recap of some of the anti-news stories the gnome made popular this year:
  —The gnome leaked stories about an unfaithful Jon and a distraught Kate to all the major news organizations, starting one of the worst news arcs in modern history. The gnome also suggested Kate's hair would make a great Halloween costume. 
  —Recently, the gnome snuck into Tiger Woods's gated community in Florida and cut several wires under his dashboard, causing the golf star to drive out of control and crash. He also leaked photos of Woods' injuries to TMZ. (The gnome is supposedly on the site's payroll.)
  —Fox News was initially contacted by the gnome (via BlackBerry) about the balloon boy saga. The gnome then leaked the story to The Huffington Post, but told his old friend Arianna not to put it atop breaking news so that she could "argue its low news value well after the fact." 
  —One of the first known reports of Michael Jackson's death was leaked by the gnome. He was thought to have snapped the shot of Jackson on the stretcher that OK! magazine ran on its cover days after the incident.
  —President Obama's birther conspiracy? Leaked by the gnome to Fox News and Drudge. The gnome and Drudge, reportedly after a long night of dancing and drinking in Miami, came up with the term "Teabagger" as well.
  —The White House crashers met the gnome on vacation in the Hamptons. He pitched them on the idea of world fame, but warned them of the consequences of showing up on CNN and TMZ for the rest of their lives.
  —The gnome was one of the first people to realize that a Facebook status update was exactly the same as tweet on Twitter. He lobbied the media hard to paint the two as different, though—he argued they could make big deals out of two ridiculous things, rather than just one.

—Posted by Will Levith